Serving Up Some Self-Compassion

So it has unfortunately been over a week since my last post, and I can definitley feel a palpable difference when I don’t have this outlet for my processing. I had a program over the weekend- one of the many perks of being a volunteer here being that I can take two free weekend programs. however, I was wholly unprepared for how intense weekend programs were despite having been a guest in one. It was made all the more intense by several deep conversations I had with my friends concerning some of the issues coming up either in class or with them. It was essentially a super-processing weekend and by Monday I felt like I had a paper jam in my brain. All this information was flooding in with no outlet to process it so instead it seemed to manifest in my physical body as extreme fatigue, irritability, and muscle pain- essentially my Lupus symptoms.

Which got me thinking about my past medical history and my very frequent battles with episodes like these. I have, until very recently, always done the majority of my processing in my mind. I was never able to really keep a journal because I just really don’t express myself comfortably in the hand written form. Computers, however, seem to be my medium. Once my fingers touch the keyboard and that soothing, rhythmic tapping begins I naturally bypass my judging, thinking mind and access my witness consciousness that sits above it all in non-judgemental awareness. From this space I can slowly collect the backlogged information, arrange it into managable piles, and methodically address the emotions and issues that have come up for me. This is what this portion of my blog is about- allowing my witness body to take over giving me freedom from the play-by-play judgements and thoughts that flit about my mind from minute to minute.

More frequently here at Kripalu I find myself able to access the witness several times during the day and I bookmark certain realizations in a “to be processed” folder that, by this point, is bulging out of the filing cabinet. This weekend a big concept that came up for me was examining what serves me and what does not in my life.

In my program we did an exercise where, after a bit of a hike, we were instructed to hug a tree. She then told up to see if we couldn’t offer up to the tree, Gaea/Mother Nature/etc, the things that no longer served us to make room for the things that do. I actually started tearing up when I felt a profound connection to nature in that instant through my physical connection to this tree. For perhaps the first time in my life I actually felt like I had found a place to set down these burdens that I’ve been hauling around for what seems like eternity. I had always balked at the religous idea of giving things up or to a deity because I believe I felt that it was inherantly weak to pass the buck as it were. I should be strong enough- or able to cultivate the strength, to deal with my own issues and not lay them on anyone else’s shoulders be them a friend or some mystical dead white bearded guy in the sky.

But this belief was not serving me.

It was, in fact, breaking me down- literally. The realization that my unprocessed emotions, thoughts, and judgements were literally causing me physical distress and discomfort to the point of interfering with my life really drove home how much of a disservice I was doing to myself. My stubborness and fierce belief that my burderns were mine alone to bear have broken me down from the inside out, brought on disease, and created a life that was wholly dissatisfying. My ability to form connections with another human being was strangled by these walls I slammed down in place between them and my vulnerabilities.

So as I lay there, my arms wrapped around as much of the trunk of this tree as I could, I finally released my burdens and offered them up to Gaea. I felt at once that not only could she receive them but that she could take the negative energy wrapped up in them and transform them just as she transforms a caterpillar into a butterfly. I do no have to bear these burdens alone anymore and I don’t need these walls standing between me and true connections with other people. They have never served me and I am tired of doing anything that doesn’t fully align with my core dharma, or purpose, anymore.

I think that if everyone sat back for a minute (or twenty) and really took a look at even just one aspect of their life- be it work, relationship, food, etc, and asked themselves what was and was not serving them that they would discover that a majority of their lives are spent acting in opposition to their true desires. Then really analyze how that is impacting the quality of your life. For me it manifests in the physical and, to some degree, the mental body but it is different for everyone. Then find some way- whether through your own deity or religion or the universe or prana or Gaea- to hand over some of those burdens unconditionally. Just unstrap the fifty ton backpack and literally toss it at the universe trusting that it can hold anything you’ve got to give it and make some space for your authentic self to grow.